Template:Valentine's Day in Quillsville - Plot
Following a special opening parodying that of the soap opera Loving to "The Loving Theme" performed by Karly Jameson instead of Johnny Mathis, the episode is shown in different Valentine's Day stories occurring on the same day:
The 1980s Mystery Train
Ava talks Angie into spending the day on a honeymoon. As Angie tries to make things romantic, Ava finds that spending the day together is not as neat as she planned. Angie gets a call from a former boyfriend named Jason who tries to separate Angie from Ava. Angie then decides schedules a 1980s-style murder mystery party on a train. She invites Ava, Kendra, Melissa, Alisan, Karly, and the rest of the gang gather to celebrate with a 1980s-themed shindig on a mystery train, and everyone gets dressed in their sharpest 80's (jobs) attire, featuring everyone from Rick Astley, Max Hedroom, Madonna, and Sheena Easton. When Lilly Rush ruins the mystery it becomes clear this is just another typical party pooper. However, when a couple tucks away to the train's bathroom for some extracurricular activity, a new mystery unfolds and the gang tries to find out who "had relations". Meanwhile, left to their own devices, Brynn, Deanna, Brandi and Connie explore the Willis house from the attic to the crawlspace.
As Angie's guests arrive on the train for the party dressed in 1980s attire, one of the murder-mystery actors asks Lilly Rush to stand in for one of the roles as one of their actresses called in sick. After she leaves Officer Dailey says he feels guilty as he knows that he will be the one solving the mystery, justifying his claim by stating he has watched enough detective shows to be a good detective.
As the party starts and the train prepares to leave, the actors board the train along with a stern conductor, who announces he will not tolerate any foolishness on the train. Lilly Rush approaches Angie and asks her who Roy Cohn is. When Melissa explains her role as Senator Joseph McCarthy's attorney, Lilly Rush, puzzled, asks why he would want to kill her, spoiling the mystery and revealing the murderer. Melissa, who takes sadistic delight in Valentine's Day failures, announces to the rest of the party that Roy Cohn did it, causing the actors to angrily leave just as the train departs. The situation is worsened when the train caterers report to Angie that the train's refrigeration has gone out and spoiled the vegetarian dinners as well as melted the Valentine's Day ice-cream birthday cake. The caterers offer small cheese-and-cracker snacks instead to Angie's sadness.
Stephanie, attempting to salvage the situation, suggests the group could play a fun game of twister, but Ava instead offers another game. Kendra, irritated, states that the only thing that can save the party is alcohol and demands a Tom Collins. The caterer however explains that they have just entered a dry county that "for election reasons" is long and horizontal and will take an hour to get through. She states that they cannot serve alcohol until then, to the dejection of the party guests. Lilly Rush, attempting to make up for her spoiling the mystery, brings out bootleg DVD copies of Cold Case to entertain the crowd. Angie, overwhelmed by the repeat catastrophes of the party (no food, no alcohol, no entertainment and a clogged toilet), runs to the bathroom in tears. Ava follows and attempts to console her, and as they hug they slowly become intimate and soon have intercourse in the bathroom.
Ava and Angie return to the party shocked at their spontaneous act of passion. Miles next uses the bathroom and spots two pairs of footprints on the mirror, one pair pointing up and one pair pointing down, and a 38D black bra–evidence of lovemaking. Miles returns to the party and announces his find to Angie and Ava's horror. As Miles declares himself the detective of the case and begins interrogating the guests, Ava mentions to Angie that if it is revealed that they made love in the bathroom the Indiana Railroad Authority, which also regulates retailers, could punish Craven Gifts with sanctions or even "the Retail Death Penalty." Seeing that Miles' questioning is leading nowhere Officer Dailey mentions that perhaps they could simply compare the bra left to the females and transgender females and find the perpetrator. Angie realizes that Ava's larger breasts will give them away, as Karly (34D), Stephanie (32D) and Ava (38D) have D cup sized breasts while Angie (36B) and Alisan (34B) have B cups and Melissa (38C), Lilly Rush (36C), and Kendra (40C) have C cups. As the female and transgender female party-goers line up to match their bra size against the bra Ava and Angie form a plan in which Ava will create a diversion and Angie will destroy and/or hide the evidence. Ava plans to use the "dead man's brake" (a braking system in which the conductor must always have his hand on the throttle or the train will brake to a halt) to cause a diversion. Ava scares the conductor with a loud noise, causing him to take his hand off the brake and the train to halt. As the partygoers fall down due to the sudden halt, Angie uses the opportunity to wipe the footprints off the mirror with toilet paper and takes the bra away from Miles. Meanwhile the conductors spot Ava running down the corridor and chase her to the party, where they find the group on the ground outside the bathroom. Angry at Ava for stopping the train and believing this to be the beginnings of some strange orgy, the conductor throws the entire group off the train somewhere in outer Shelbyville, Indiana.
With the group now stranded in the middle of nowhere, Melissa declares that this is the worst Valentine's Day ever, yet finds that instead of taking sadistic pleasure she genuinely feels sorry for Angie. As the rest of the group consoles Angie, Kendra and Miles spot a dive bar serving alcohol and the group heads there. As they enter dressed in 1980's clothes, the rugged and tough patrons of the bar eye them angrily for a few seconds before happily declaring that "The 80's are back!" The bartender soon hangs up a disco ball and finds a 70's/80's soundtrack, leading to a small disco-themed party in the bar.
As Angie enjoys a drink at the bar, Officer Dailey approaches her and reveals that he knows it was her and Ava who made love in the bathroom, but promises not to tell anyone and simply wishes her a happy Valentines Day. Ava then pulls Angie to the dance floor where the rest of the group disco dances.
- Brynn is left home alone in the Willis' house. She goes to Zach Mullins' house and lures Zach's grandson, Caleb Mullins, out and into the Willis' living room with the sextuplets. She holds her date to a promise of a full day together. True to his word, they have a full day's date. After their day out, Caleb decides to give Brynn $1,000 Caleb obtained from Zach's debit card and they both kiss. Brynn then "freshens up" before making love with Caleb.
- Following a one-night's stand where Nicole Pence has her date thrown out when he refuses to leave, the man vows that Nicole will one day get what she deserves. Following a shock from an item the man left behind, Nicole awakens to finds that she suddenly appears as a man named "Andrew Pando" fooling even Officer Reed who hits on her when she pulls Nicole over. When she goes to the hospital to handle this problem, Dr. Coxson plans to give her a prostate exam. Escaping from Dr. Coxson, Nicole realizes she has really been turned into a man and decides to make the best of things by being a gay man and Tabby joinins in.
- Deciding to find out what love was like in the 1940s, Shushu falls for a boy on a time travel trip and follows him. Opening up, she kisses him only to find out that it really is Ava's father, Harry, who is picked up by Carter Willis. After throwing up, Shushu returns to the present where Tabby and Heather inadvertently makes things worse.
- Tabby decides to set blind dates with the sextuplets to go on a buffet with Brynn and Caleb:
- To help Heather get to the bottom of her lack of success with men, Tabby and Shushu invites all of Heather's former boyfriends friends over (consisting of John Zoidberg, Hank Wilcox, Jai Martinez from "We Love You, Rodriguez", Melissa's mother Jill/Bill, Brandon Roberts from "Heather the Bachelorette," Ralph from "Shushu's Got a Brand New Bag," Dan Bowen from "Now You See Heather, Now You Don't," Peggy Willis' goldfish Pablo from "Peggy's Eminent Domain Pain," John Moffitt from "The Former Life of Heather," Cidny Reynolds from "Untitled Vivica A. Fox Project", Michelle Wilson from "Lesbian Eye for the Transgender Woman") to discuss what went wrong with their relationships. Heather gets angry and lashes out at the criticism and starts to dish out criticism of her own. She finally turns on Tabby and Shushu as well who sends the men after Heather and they chase her through the streets as they pass the Fonzie and his parents waiting for his date - Roberta Tubbs.
- Ava and Angie make passionate love in a rental car as Angie recalls having sex with another man named Frank (but it turns out to be Ava) at their wedding.
- Melissa and Stephanie meets up with Connie.
- Lilly Rush returns to Quillsville Police Headquarters and submits papers to Commissioner Chelsea Wolf
- Officer Dailey meets up with Bob Donaldson and Diane Willis
- Brynn is lying in bed with Caleb with the sextuplets leaving a huge mess at the Willis house.
- Heather is lying in bed smiling with every one of her past boyfriends having had an orgy with them.
The final scene shows Ava and Angie returning home to find the sextuplets and Brynn having thrown a huge party. The line Ava says "What in the hell?" (referencing a line used by Claudia on Amanda & Elisa). In the closing scene of the episode Amanda Dawson and Elisa Donovan from series creator Ava Zinn's first show Amanda & Elisa suddenly appears to have held a party in the Willis family home.